Diary 7/22/19

Last Night I Prayed for Mercy

I drop my small diamond

into the overflowing

cup of your hands

I drink to the Light

so my eyes can see

I drink to Love

so my heart can feel

to know

how to live

as above so below

as within so without

this one world.

My back is very unstable. I believe it is my stenosis at L 4-5 (compressed spinal cord in lumbar region due to vertebral collapse and bone spurs) and spondylolisthesis (overlapping slippage of those two discs) that causes radiating nerve pain. Sleep was at a minimum again last night as there is no single position that is stress-free for very long. This morning my PT asked what position I sleep in. I answered that I am in rotisserie mode with a pillow that travels from beneath my knees while on my back, to between my knees lying on either side, to beneath my chest when flat on my stomach. No position is comfortable for long, and releasing my already weak muscle tone during sleep leaves me in rough shape upon awakening.

Fortunately, napping is available at any time that I am free and I do manage to catch up. By day and by night, I take my mild pain or sleep meds and herbs, as stronger ones affect me very badly the next day. I manage enough sleep overall, but at night, sometimes prayer is called for. The earnest act itself helps, and I do sleep intermittently as a consequence of the soothing effects. Last night’s petition stayed with me all day and showed up on this page.

I have upcoming appointments with my nuerologist and my spinal surgeon in August. Hopefully they will concur as to what is happening and what to do about it.

Meanwhile I am in fine spirits. People always ask the inevitable “How are you?” and I say, “I am fine, but my back isn’t.” “But you look so good!” I thank them and I know that I am still walking taller and more naturally for short distances, due to the success of the first operation. If I sit for too long, or walk as far as I used to ( just two months ago), my back is on fire with inflammation and I must lie down. As my daughter used to say, “I am fusterated!” with how limited my mobility is once more. Perhaps my condition will remain as it is or perhaps it will improve. I will continue to surrender as best I can while strongly advocating for more intervention.

“I drop my small diamond

into the overflowing

cup of your hands…”

6 thoughts on “Fusteration and Surrender

  1. Lovely Judi! I am sorry for your back pain. Sending you prayers and Blessings! And hope the doctors have a good solution! Love, Sally McAfee


  2. There is something about pain at night… sigh… so sorry for this. I know you have a PhD in dealing with pain and so many skills.
    I suppose you have explored pain relief patches – there are some prescription ones that are quite helpful. And from time to time, various kinds of injections can steady things, too. Being able to email and dialog with your Dr’s so you get help when needed and don’t have to wait till that next appt is something to explore, too.
    Apologies for giving advice – it is a professional habit from my years of working with people in pain. Something I have noticed in my practice is that the ability to think clearly diminishes when in pain and sometimes people forget to do things that give some relief. I am glad you have easy access to your PT who can engage with you and work the puzzle pieces.
    Also, can you send your snail mail address at my email address? I can’t do it right away, but I would love to send you a deck of the new Watermark Arts Moving Art Cards. We are out of the first printing but will be doing some more soon. This has been on my mind since we did our first printing.
    As my first and treasured Continuum guide, I would love to share what my colleague Prue and I created…
    Much love,


  3. Oh, Judi. You are the one I look to who can handle pain.. I’m glad you are sharing how hard it is right now. I hope there is another operation that will help. Meanwhile I will light candles for you to add to your prayers. Love, Raechel


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